If My Heart Stops Beating, It Won't Hurt This Much
by HappyBunny6678
Summary: How Crowley reacts to Gabriel's death. Established relationship. Growley. R/R please and if you don't like it, don't read. : Sort of a companion to The End Where I Begin.


**A/N: Here's another one for you all. :) It's another Growley oneshot and I really hope you enjoy it. 3 -Bunny**

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Ashes. A pile of... Dust. Bits and fragments of clothing and skin and bone and blood and... Wings. Those beautiful speckled wings that shone like mother of pearl but felt like the downy feathers of a newborn chick are gone. Now they're like chalk outlines, showing Crowley exactly where the body of his lover should lie.

Crowley hasn't hurt this much since his wife was taken from him, leaving him a single parent with a young son.

Gabriel swore he'd be back. He swore that he'd be fine and he'd find Crowley afterward. He'd said goodbye and gotten out of bed and he hadn't looked back.

Crowley couldn't help it. He had to follow. Had to make sure that the single most important person in his life wasn't alone and that he was protected.

Of course Gabriel wasn't protected. That lesser pantheon would do nothing to help Gabriel in his time of need. Not Baldr even though he definitely owed Gabriel for saving his life. Not Kali who claimed she loved him more than once even though it was kinda clear Gabe was never really interested. The list of traitorous – and now dead – bastards could go on and on.

Crowley wanted to step in. Wanted to fling himself in front of Gabriel and plead for his life. Tell Lucifer to take him instead. But he knew that Gabriel would never forgive him and neither of them would make it out alive. At least if he left with Kali – crying like a little bitch even though he'd never admit it – Gabriel might stand a chance. There would be no one there to jeopardize his life but himself. And Crowley knew Gabriel would want to go home.

Charcoal. That's all those wings are now. The ones that were oh-so-sensitive when they were touched just right. Crowley could make Gabriel _scream_ over and over just by stroking his wings while he slid into him. That's why Gabe never let anyone else touch them. They weren't just 'Gabriel's wings'. They belonged to Crowley too.

Blood. Just a touch. Running down the corner of Gabriel's mouth, now permanently slack. Crowley never really could get him to shut up, even in bed. He was always moaning or shouting – not that Crowley would complain about that – but he never wanted him to shut up like this. Crowley bends down and carefully wipes the smudge of crimson away with his snow white handkerchief.

The first time someone made Gabriel bleed while they were together, Crowley nearly destroyed half of his villa. One of his underlings had gotten too cocky and thought that they could play around with daddy's 'new toy'. Crowley was furious. Not just because the demon had the audacity to put his hands on what is _Crowley's_ but because Gabriel just let it happen. When Crowley asked why Gabriel hadn't just obliterated the useless creature, Gabriel told him it was because he didn't want to mess with Crowley's business. He didn't think the demon was worth his time, either, even though he'd stabbed Gabriel.

That night, Crowley made it very clear what belonged to him. No third party was invited but everyone got the memo.

Now, there will be no lovemaking. No frantic romps after near-death experiences. No late night rants about how the Winchesters always manage to fuck everything up just by existing. No Sunday morning cuddle parties while they both laugh at the irony that is fornicating on Sunday. No more arguments about the silly things in life like where to go for the best authentic Italian – Gabe always said the Renaissance while Crowley said Ancient Rome - or the easiest way to wake the other up in the morning. No more soft, stolen kisses while they walked down the street. Shared ice cream cones that made Crowley feel like he'd never grown up. Serious heart-to-hearts that made Crowley realize there was more to Gabriel than an immature asshole with an addiction to sugar. All gone in the blink of an eye.

Crowley stayed by his lover's side for God only knows how long – not that He cared – just watching his body. If he began crying, well no one was there to see.

He blamed the Winchesters for being so stupid.

He blamed Lucifer for never being the big brother Gabriel always thought he was.

He blamed Michael for not watching and protecting Gabriel because angel or no, they were still supposed to be a family.

He blamed God for just walking out and leaving the angels to themselves – because that was such a smart idea, right?

He blamed Gabriel because "WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST STAY IN BED THIS MORNING YOU STUBBORN SOD!"

But more than any of the celestial bodies and finite humans, Crowley blamed himself. What if Gabriel died not knowing how much he was loved? What if he had just kept Gabriel in bed all day? Could Crowley have played at being sick? He didn't protect him and yet he claimed to love Gabriel. What kind of horrible lover was he? He'd let his wife die and now Gabriel too!

Gabriel who laughed at _everything_ even if it wasn't funny.

Gabriel who would bring him breakfast in bed after a fight to say sorry.

Gabriel who loved Crowley enough to threaten Falling more than once.

Gabriel.

The one who would want Crowley to move on.


End file.
